A Newbie’s Thoughts on Breaking Dawn—Hilarious Must Read

What would happen if you were sent to cover Breaking Dawn part 2 and knew nothing at all about the books and films?

I first learned about Twilight four years ago, when a former employer at a talent agency handed me a note that read “Twilight Stephenie Meyer” and instructed me to pick it up at a local bookstore. After walking into the store, I handed this piece of paper to the first employee I could find. I said: “Do you guys have a book called Twilight?” and “It’s by or about someone named Stephenie Meyer.” The employee just laughed and pointed over my shoulder to a six-foot-tall display for the book series. Possibly out of resentment, I remained willfully ignorant of the series ever since. I have gleaned this and only this info in the years since: There is someone named Jacob and someone named Edward. One is a vampire and one is a werewolf, not sure which is which. One is played by Taylor Lautner and one is played by Robert Pattinson (whose last name I recently learned was not Paterson). I also haven’t seen either in any other movies, other than T-Laut’s appearance in Valentine’s Day (appearing with his then-girlfriend Taylor Swift — I know that). Also, Kristen Stewart is in the movies. I don’t know her character’s name or if she is a human or vampire or werewolf. That is all I knew when I was assigned to go see a screening of Breaking Dawn – Part 2 and told to write down my confused thoughts and questions as I watched. Here are my notes, chronologically. (Spoilers follow. But if you, like me, are clueless about Twilight, they won’t ruin your day.)

Read his actual reactions on Vulture, they are HILARIOUS! TY to Joel for sending this in.

Comments

  1. This was hilarious!

  2. Twilight is worldwide phenomenon – this guy must be just an IGNORANT to know NOTHING about it… It’s just sad…
    You don’t need to read/watch Twilight to know anything! There are news and info about Twilight EVERYWHERE!

  3. That was hilarious. I’m a good sport and I think that is a very honest reaction from a 27 year old guy that knows nothing about Twilight :)

  4. I thought it was pretty funny, and it is exactly how it would be if you came in at the tail end of a movie, in this case the Twilight Saga. I’m sure they purposely sent this clueless guy and probably told him that he wasn’t allowed to do any research before, just so he wouldn’t have a clue what’s going on.

    Is it really possible for somebody to be THAT clueless about Twilight… I know a few people like that, one of my best friends, just to name one. He’s in his early 40’s, and spends most of his time playing Halo and or studying anthropology books.

    So yeah, they do exist… :)

  5. Yeah… I mostly find these insulting and not funny at all. For the record, Billy Burke is a fantastic actor and I’m sure he would have won the role in Revolution regardless of Twilight or not.

  6. Loved it! Yes, I can imagine the confusion, but heck, Twilight was confusing to everyone who did not read the book, totally confusing, I had to explain a million questions because (sorry if you are a Melissa fan) the script really pretty much sucked. Thank goodness Catherine Hardwick tried to salvage it. But this was so much fun to read and experience from another perspective, hilarious….:)

  7. I’m pretty sure that my roommate thinks I’m insane now…all she heard was random incessant laughter from my room as I read this… it was freakin’ hilarious…

  8. Pretty amusing. Notes on his notes:

    Capes: Twilight did a lot to counter some of those cliches, like vampires always wearing black quasi-Victorian garb or catsuits.

    Nessie: Good question; the books leave open the question of what other fantastical things exist in this world.

    The battle: Top that, Underworld and Blade franchises! He’s right; it IS intense even by vampire action standards.

  9. I found it funny. Glad others enjoyed it.

    Although I have to say, I don’t think I actually know anyone who hasn’t seen/read/been-well-aware of Twilight — at least parts of it.

  10. [QUOTE] “I want to show you something,” said Bella and then here comes a romantic montage from all the movies. [END QUOTE]

    I don’t buy that he knew so little about the movies/books as he claims. If that was true, how come he knows that was a montage from all the movies? He should have said “I guess” that is a montage from all the movies to make it less obious that he did knew more than he says.

    Overall it’s kind of funny but there are a lot of clues that he did know more than he claims he knows and just wanted to be “funny”.

  11. That was so fun to read. I laughed so hard at some of his points I won’t need to do crunches for a week. And then I laughed so hard I cried. I also have to admit that is the exact way my husband would respond, so I can totally see someone being clueless. Thanks for sharing.

  12. Take it for what it’s worth; it was a funny piece. My husband and I laughed as we read it. It was funny.

  13. That was very funny. Maybe we should send him a copy of the all the books!

  14. I love how he kept calling Aro “Wesley Snipes!!” lol

  15. I laughed so hard on some of the notes. But in my opinion, I think he just trying to sound funny when he said he didn’t know Edward, Bella, and Jacob. Even if you haven’t read the books, you still know who the characters are. So yes, it was a funny article, but it is kind of obvious that the author tried too hard.

    • I agree it was really funny to read, but it was obvious he was trying to “not know anything.” I do know there are oblivious people out there, I’ve met them, but this guy works for an entertainment magazine. It’s an impossibility to not know some of that stuff. At the very least, someone who works for an entertainment magazine would know who Kellan Lutz and Michael Sheen are.

    • I agree, Mel, that he’s being facetious.

      Still funny.

  16. This is so fake and made up. NOBODY would boo at Kristen’s name. It’s the first name you see & then Rob’s is one second later. It’s the first moment of the film. It’s so beautiful, no fan would be disrespectful. He’s full of it.

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